Dating!

Shidduchim

One must as themselves the following questions before going on a date: “am I ready to get married?” Although a lot of people answer yes to this question, their actions speak to the contrary. If you answer yes to this question then you answer yes to be committed to the person that you are marrying, you are saying that this person is now my family and their needs and wants come first. You are saying that your family is still incredibly important to you but it is now not your immediate family but your spouse is. A lot of single people that are currently nodding their heads in commitment to this stigma of “yes” I am ready to commit are picturing their lives exactly as they are now but with one extra addition. If you are lucky that is true. If you are lucky, you meet someone from the same city that you are from and you don’t have to move, you just have to make room. What if though, you are searching in your city and you get bupkas? What if there is nobody left to date? What if you have to travel to date? WHAT IF YOU HAVE TO MOVE? It is this last problem that I would like to address. It seems that a large number of singles feel that they should not have to move. They feel like, if the other party is serious as well then they would move and not them. Some singles even believe that the city that they are from is far more superior to the city that the other person is from and therefore they should not be expected to give it up. Well here is the shock for everyone that has ever tried to set up two people. At first glance these people you are trying to set up seem perfect for each other, until one of them whips out those incredible words which indicate “ah ah partner, I’m not moving anywhere”.
After one such comment to me I felt as though I wanted to reach through the phone and ring this person’s neck. If felt as though I have been betrayed by my single friend. My single friend had been saying that they don’t mind moving for years and now that there is this awesome boy they bring this piece of goodliness out! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!
I feel like after soul searching I have figured out some of the problems. Though speaking to other singles and at one point in time being single my self I have heard tons of explanations on such behaviors. Some of those explanations included, ‘the older you get, the more set you are in your ways the less you are likely wanting to change’. Others ‘the more comfortable you get in your life style, the least likely you will want to change it’. Others still, ‘the people are just very attached to their families and are unable to invasion life without them’.
To all these I have a response. The first is of course the most ridiculous. The more set in your ways you are??? So then do the world a favor don’t get married at all because inevitably it will end in divorce because you are unwilling to compromise. The second, how comfortable are you when you are living with your parents and not having a moment of peace. How comfortable are you living with roommates and not having your own little corner to call home? How comfortable are you when you are going out alone and seeing everyone else in what seem like happy romances? The third is by far the best in my opinion. I love my family very much and feel that I too cannot be too far away from them. I feel like I need to be close enough in order to be able to jump in a car and be there in a few hours. Yet, there are families that are so smothering that a child physically doesn’t see how they will be with out their family at all. A couple blocks down the street is as far as they will go. Those are the ones to watch out for. Those are the ones that will have their families in your business all the time. Those are the ones that have no limits, no boundaries. Those are the ones that could potentially cause a divorce because their family will always come before their spouse and as we all know that is a recipe for a disaster.
So with all of that said. Are you ready to get married? If you are then I’ll be serious and try really hard on your behalf.
If you aren’t….stop yanking me around as if I were a yo-yo!

Shidduch Making/Dating Part 2

In recent news the ‘shidduch crisis’ is on everyone’s blogs again. Everyone is thinking about the problem and thinking of possible ways of evading the problems that are bound to come up in the future.
Part of the problem in my humble opinion is: people don’t know how frum to be. They are crazy with the amount of issues laid upon them. They don’t know weather to pay a girl a compliment, or weather or not the girl should bring examples of torah in conversation. These issues are just so interesting to everyone around them. For the boy he doesn’t know weather to sit or stand or jump, the girl, pretty much the same thing. Why did all of this start? Where are all of these issues coming from? Why is it important if a girls family collects plates at the table or weather or not takes them into the kitchen one by one? In my opinion some simplified questions/statements can be used. Some of the questions include: Have you ever had premarital sex? In your opinion is paying taxes right or wrong? Clarify upon your previous answer of tax paying with why you feel the way you do? Do you feel illegal immigrants help or hurt the countries economy? Do you feel there is anything wrong with having illegal immigrants work for a large company, get paid very little, work in sub human conditions in order for the large company to profit lots of money is okay as long as none of the illegal immigrants are Jewish?
The above questions are a true representation of what questions should be phrased as in order to really understand the person and if they are good people or just wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Shidduch Making/Dating Part 1

Why do people date? Really, its not fun, its expensive and nerve racking. So why do people date? We hope that the answer is to find the one and only one for them and to get married and be happy.
Why then are people just so weird! WHY? Why is it when a person is ‘read’ a guy that is an incredible man, who is everything that the girl is looking for, WHY DOES THE GIRL BECOME STUPID?
My personal experience with making shidduchim has not been so positive. I’ve given up for a few months but I’m slowly getting back into possibly doing it again.
My negative experience comes from people who say that they want one thing, but when presented with that thing CHANGE their minds and now want something completely different. Why is consistency bad? People are picky. I can definitely understand that, I used to be in those shoes too. Yet, being unrealistic is just sad for the person. My aunt who I love very much told me at a relatively young age (15) that everyone needs to know their own worth. At, that moment in time I though “this is horrible insight into life”. Yet, now I cannot agree with her more! I feel that people who are realistic and see themselves for who and what they are able to get over their own egos and date. People with over inflated egos and no perception of reality are unable to get over themselves to date. Now I’m not saying that this is everyone. I am however saying that I have seen this and I continue to see this. When a person thinks that they are gracing the world with their presence it is hard for them to go out with any guy, every guy is going to be below them. It is incredible to see great girls with unrealistic expectations.
So then comes this: why do they not have people giving them GOOD advice? Why is it that girls and boys a like get swarms of really bad advice about dating? It’s almost as if the person giving the advice is trying to destroy their chances of ever meeting Mr. Right. The other issue is why people think that Mr. Right has NO flaws. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERSON WITH NO FLAWS. I understand true issues such as, he has anger issues, she has anger issues, he has a shady past, and she has a shady past. Those are true concerns that should be looked into and not ignored. Yet, issues such as: he’s just to serious, she is smart, are ridiculous! Someone being too smart is now a bad thing? A MAN BEING SERIOUS IS A BAD THING? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!
Among the above mentioned issues I’d like to bring up a little thing called Dating etiquette. A lot of frum Jews have no idea what that means. Well here is a thought, when someone calls you and you BOTH arrange for a time to talk next, be available for that time…you arranged it, IT WAS NOT A SURPRISE! If someone leaves you a message, CALL THEM BACK! It is just polite behavior for a human being to have. It is only a matter of respect. What amazes me the most is the amount of respect people give to mundane issues, yet when it comes to something like being polite to someone you were introduced to all respect is thrown out the window. If you don’t want to date this person just tell the shuddhun or break it off yourself. Don’t lead someone around and around and around and then have it come to nothing because you were wasting their time. There is more coming this is just the beginning of this discussion!