It is clear that when someone is un-happy they will do whatever it takes in order to change the situation which is making them un-happy. The problem with that, not everyone knows how to change the situation! A really good example happened at work the other day. One of my co-workers was complaining how unhappy he is at work and how he hates coming in everyday and how much he really wants to find another job. My response was: are you looking for a job or just complaining about this one? He was a little taken aback with my forwardness but still answered: “I am not sure how to look”. I was shocked and surprised. The shock came from the fact that he talked so negatively about his current position, I was sure he had something in the pipeline just incase he would get fired for all of his loud conversation in regards to how much this place is “bad”. The surprise came from the fact that he is somewhat educated and yet has no idea of how to proceed with following through with a job change. Not even necessarily a career change. Just a job change! After reviewing some suggestions that I had for him he seemed pretty satisfied and was really happy for my little intervention.
The above was just one situation with how people are unhappy with something and yet, do not know where to start in order to make a change. Could it be possible there are a lot more unhappy people that need help? There is a saying that says it all: if you teach a man to fish, he will eat forever. If you catch a fish and give it to a man he will always be hungry. Why then do people insist on band aiding problems? Do they not realize this is not ‘helping’ they are actually hurting the person they are allegedly trying to help! For example: A parent yelling at their child that they are misbehaving without offering any suggestions for improvement. How is the child to know what his options are? Maybe the child feels that if he misbehaves he will get his parents attention?
Is it not all part of the learning curve?
5 comments:
The problem is that most people are comfortable with "the devil they know" than the possible better future that is unknown.
You friend may hate his job but what are his options? Unemployment, another job at a lower salary, another job at the same or more salary that he might not like, or the dream job that pays him more than he's making now.
If the dream job was out there, he'd have taken it by now. It isn't so he's stuck and he's blowing off steam, not realizing how counter-productive he is.
The successful person is the one who learns to enjoy those tasks he doesn't like or feel an aptitude for. That person will be happy in whatever job you put him. Unfortunately, most people don't think that way.
So yes, there's lots of happy people living, in the words of Pink Floyd, lives of quiet desperation, stuck in dead-end jobs and unhappy marriages because the alternative is unknown and if there's one thing people fear almost as much as a blood sucking, 10 foot tall tarantula wearing a motorcycle gang leather jacket and carrying a mean looking tire iron, it's the unknown.
I think CJG you need to show more empathy and compassion towards your co-worker who is going through a crisis of sorts. That would be a mark of Emotional Intelligence, something I fear you have yet to acquire.
One of the hardest tests in life is to show sympathy for a whiner. As a physician, I can easily state that the hardest patients to deal with are the whiners. They're not intentionally trying to be annoying. They don't wake up in the morning with the thought of bothering me but yet there they are, time and again in my office doing just that. And it's hard, very hard, to deal with. I constantly have to remind myself that their whining is not something they're in control of or even aware of. It's just their way of communicating their pain. And when I can keep that in mind (usually after my third coffee!) I find I can handle their needs much better.
Sitting back as this co-worker whines and saying to yourself "he's in pain, this is how he shows it" might help make his behaviour more understandable.
My point was not to prove that I’m a good listener. Or that I am a good friend. My point was, people that WANT to change something in their lives and yet have no idea how and where to begin. That was my point.
> My point was, people that WANT to change something in their lives
So here are some practical counselling tips.
1) It's impossible to help a person get somewhere if they don't know where they want to go. That is the starting point for all concrete change.
2) Figuring out the destination is his job, not yours. A good friend can listen and can point out that a goal would help reduce his confusion but you can't decide what it is for him.
3) Once he knows what he wants, then you can engage him in dialogue to help him determine the best course of action.
For example, I don't like my job, but I don't know what else I'd like to do. You could suggest a dozen alternatives to me but assuming the unlikely "Hey, yeah!" idea doesn't come up, you'll not accomplish anything. Pointing out to me that I need to know what I like and don't and to prioritize a change based on that would accomplish far more.
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